Medicine From The Trenches

Experiences from medical school, residency and beyond.

Christmas 2014

This Year and This Time

As I sit here in my office, I want to share that I have experienced a profound loss in my life. I now, fully understand, how profound loss can be for my patients at this time of the year. When everyone else seems to be so joyful, a painful loss can zap every bit of the joy of the season and fellowship from the person who is suffering the loss. I am fully human and I fully understand life’s challenges but I am not immune from mourning.

I am meditating on Walter Anderson’s quote: “Bad things happen: how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift  have — life itself”.  I keep repeating this quote over and over so that I have some sense that I will be able to move past the holidays and celebrate the joy of others in this time of the season. I can say that right now, this is one of the hardest experiences that I have faced in my life.

My Shared Humanity

I know that many people are anticipating major changes in their lives at this time. Some people are nearing the end of the residency selection process (rank lists go in soon) and some people are eagerly awaiting that first interview invitation or medical school acceptance letter. If those things don’t come, there will be a period of mourning the loss of what you expected life would hold for you in the future that you envisioned in your mind. As Mr. Anderson so elegantly states, you can “choose to rise from the pain”, because loss of anything is so gut-wrenchingly painful.  I share these words with you because I am trying so hard to live them with my loss (and it’s so hard).
We are human beings and we will go through experiences in life. I have always been an advocate for learning as much as possible from those experiences, good or bad, as one is able to learn. We always hear, “how can you appreciate the good things in life if you don’t experience some bad things in life”? Well, those “bad things” hurt very deeply and I am going to say that I understand and share that hurt with so many people right now.

My Patients and My Medicine

I have always said that one of the greater aspects of medicine and its practice is that one can look around the hospital and see people who are dealing with issues that are far greater than any issues that you, as a practitioner, will have to deal with in your medical practice.  I want to also add that dealing with a personal loss can connect you with your patients in ways that are deep and profound. Medicine allows one to see patients in times of great sorrow, at the beginning of life and at the end of life. When things are catastrophic for our patients, we have to find ways of letting them know that we are connected to them; not suppressing our feelings and using outside means (chemicals, self-destructive behaviors) to numb ourselves of those connections. Yes, it sounds a bit “corny” but we, as good physicians, have to allow our patients to see that we are connected even in these times of less time spent with the patient and more revenue generated.

Trying to deal with Loss

To live life is to have experiences of loss. It’s the nature of life to have changes and those changes will deal with frustration, loss, joy and hope. Anytime one anticipates the future, there can be some change from that anticipated future that will involve a loss. With that loss can come mourning of what might have been but in essence, one only has the present. The past does not predict the future though when dealing with medical school acceptance (past grades) and residency selection (past board scores and medical school grades), it would seem that the past in inescapable.

If one does not find a residency or if one does not get into medical school, there will be a loss of the future plans that one has been anticipating. It is very understandable to mourn the loss of that anticipated future. It is very human to mourn the loss of that anticipated future and that humanity/humility is just the thing that will connect you with your fellow humans.

I applaud anyone who has never known loss as they are indeed fortunate but I would also say that never to know loss is never to be completely human.  I want my patients to see my human side and appreciate that I experience loss and hurt as deeply as they would. I want to be as human as possible and feel the joy with my colleagues and patients when experiences are going well.

Right now

Right now, I am meditating and writing because I feel that my experiences are worth sharing with my blog readers. I am secure in my role as surgeon and teacher but I have been shaken in my role as human being. I also know that it is up to me to find what will make me stronger so that I can get past this painful loss. I also know that this painful loss has made me a better physician/surgeon and my hope for the future is that my patients will see this in me. In this sense, I have been given a gift.

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25 December, 2014 - Posted by | medical school | ,

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